


strawberries & cigarettes

by galaxy_ash



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Eventual Happy Ending, Implied Smut, M/M, based on troye sivan's song, cause I hate sad endings, fluffy but angsty, i don't condone smoking my friends you can get lung cancer, teenage dnp
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-23
Updated: 2018-05-09
Packaged: 2019-04-25 14:54:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,373
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14381016
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/galaxy_ash/pseuds/galaxy_ash
Summary: Dan is eating his strawberries in a field when he meets the cigarette-smoking Phil and suddenly his summer becomes a whole lot more complicated.





	1. j u n e

**Author's Note:**

> I will have the lyrics of the verse I based each chapter on at the beginning of each chapter, so I recommend reading that to see where I'm coming from (also listen to the song if you haven't because its amazing)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember when we first met?
> 
> You said "light my cigarette"
> 
> So I lied to my mom and dad
> 
> And jumped the fence and I ran
> 
> But we couldn't go very far
> 
> 'Cause you locked your keys in your car
> 
> So you sat and stared at my lips
> 
> And I could already feel your kiss

The sun felt so nice on Dan’s skin, the gentle rays caressing every square inch of his being. The birds were chirping somewhere in the leafy trees around him, and the scent of freshly cut grass overwhelmed his senses in the best way. Eyes still peacefully shut, he reached down by his thigh to grab a newly ripe strawberry off the plate, dipping it in the mound of sugar before placing it in his mouth and biting down, just to have it explode like a sugary piece of dynamite. Dan honestly couldn’t be happier right now; everything seemed to be going perfect. Suddenly, the light source was cut off to Dan’s face, leaving him in a shadowed chill. His eyes flew open to see a boy standing above him. Dan jumped, sitting up in such a hurry that he knocked his plate of strawberries and sugar all over the grass next to him.

“Oh my God, I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to make you jump. Or spill your food.” The boy’s eyes widened almost comically as he began apologizing to Dan. Dan however, couldn’t notice anything except the bright blue eyes holding him in place.

“No, no. You’re okay. It’s just… what are you doing here? I thought I was the only one who knew about this place.” Dan replied in a rush, eyes snapping away from the boy’s to stare at the boy’s black skinny jeans instead.

“I come here to smoke sometimes. This is the first time I’ve seen you here,” the boy blushed, “I would have remembered you.”

“I would have remembered you too,” Dan replied, looking up at the boy, his own face becoming flushed. “You smoke?”

“Not very often. Only when I’m having a really bad day. Usually when my parents are fighting again. I actually came over here to ask you if you could light my cigarette.”

“Oh. I’m sorry you’re having a bad day. But I don’t have a lighter. I only brought my strawberries with me.”

“Strawberries?” The boy let out a chuckle, “You came out here just to eat strawberries?”

“And enjoy the sun!” Dan pouted, becoming defensive.

“Oh, I didn’t mean it like that! I just… you confuse me, … what’s your name?”

“My name’s Dan. Dan Howell. And you are?”

“I’m Phil Lester. Do you, want to, I dunno, go? Somewhere? With me?”

“Um… I don’t know. I don’t really know you.”

“I’m sorry, that sounded sketchy, I’m just nervous. You can trust me.”

“Why are you nervous?”

“I just met a cute boy in the woods,” Phil flushed bashfully, “and he’s still talking to me.”

Dan stared determinedly at the ground, preventing his own blush. “Thanks, but I’m not cute. I’m wearing pajamas and my hair is an absolute mess.”

“Your hair is beautiful,” Phil smiled, reaching out to poke one of Dan’s curls, “and I don’t mind that you’re not dressed up.”

Dan looked back up at Phil then. “I’ll go with you.” Phil stared back at Dan, shocked into silence. “I just need to go tell my parents first. I’ll meet you back here in 10 minutes, yeah?”

“O...okay.”

And so Dan ran off, leaving behind a bewildered, love-stricken Phil.

 

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

 

Dan ran back to his house, throwing open the door when he arrived.

“Mom? Dad? I’m gonna be at the beach until after dinner, okay?”

“Are you going to be with friends? Cause if so, you know we want to meet them.”

Dan rolled his eyes, “No mom, I’m just going down there by myself to chill out for a bit.”

“Okay honey, just make sure to be back before dark. Have fun!”

“I will mom, bye.”

Quickly, Dan ran up to his room to change into a pale yellow t-shirt and cutoff jean shorts before running a hand through his unruly hair and jogging out the door and back to Phil.

 

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

 

After hopping the aging wooden fence, Dan spotted Phil sat in the middle of the field, picking idly at dandelions while blowing a cloud of smoke out of a lit cigarette. Phil looked up and his face lit up with an eager smile when he saw Dan.

“I thought you were lying and you just wanted an excuse to get away from me!” Phil exclaims with relief, standing up to match Dan’s height.

“No, you idiot! Believe it or not, I actually want to hang around and get to know you. Also, what happened to you not having a lighter?”

“I’m glad. I want to know you too,” Phil grins, then it turns sheepish. “And erm, I just wanted to talk to you. I had a lighter.”

Dan wanted to say something, but simply smiled at the smitten boy.

“Do you want to go to the beach? I have a car.” Phil asked.

“Yeah, that sounds nice, unless you’d just rather stay here?”

“We could always just go check out how busy it is.”

“Okay, lead the way.”

Phil took one last drag before snuffing his cigarette out, then grabbed Dan’s hand excitedly, tugging him through the clumps of grass and dandelions until the forest opened up to a trail, where a small black car sat. Dan needed no more direction, but Phil’s hand stayed a comforting presence on Dan’s own. They walked over to the car and Phil stuck his hand into his right pocket before yanking it out and frantically patting his other pockets. He stared at Dan with panic evident in his eyes before cupping his hand to look through the window. Phil let out a sardonic snort before banging his forehead on the glass.

“Fudge niblets.” Phil moaned.

“What?”

“I’ve locked my keys inside my car.”

“Ouch. I guess we’re not going to the beach then?”

“Well, we still could, we would just have to walk.”

“Or… we could just stay here? In our forest?”

“This is OUR forest now?” Phil giggles.

“Of course it is,” Dan grins, “it’s called the Dan and Phil Forest.”

“Why does your name come first?”

“Because I’m more important, Phil.”

“Hey!” Phil laughs, indignant, before smacking Dan with his free hand.

“I’m joking! Now what do you say we go sit down in the field?”

“Sounds great,” Phil replied with a smile before gently pulling on Dan’s hand as they walked back through the forest to get to their field.

 

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

 

The entire atmosphere was absolutely perfect. Dan took back what he had said before about the day being perfect. That was before he had met Phil. Phil made everything better, and Dan had only known him a couple of hours. The sun was at golden hour and there was a slight breeze wisping around to brush its tendrils against the two teenagers.

Dan opened his eyes and turned to look at Phil, only to find the blue-eyed boy staring dazedly at him. Dan was about to open his mouth to say something, only to become suddenly aware of the lack of distance between him and Phil. He froze when he noticed Phil’s intense gaze flicking between his eyes and his lips. Feeling suddenly self-conscious, Dan licked his lips as his own eyes darted down to Phil’s lips. Both boys looked up at the same time, and blue eyes met brown.

Suddenly, soft lips met together in the middle. Neither knew who initiated it, they just knew they liked it. Dan thought Phil tasted like cigarette smoke and the sun’s golden hour. Phil thought Dan tasted like strawberries and sugar and a breath of fresh summer air. They didn’t know how long they lay there under the setting sun, lazily making out, yet with the determination of lost puppies finding their way home.

They eventually slowed to a stop, with Dan leaning in to give Phil a final peck before curling into the boy’s chest, wrapping his arm around Phil’s waist. Phil returned the cuddle, wrapping his arm around Dan’s shoulders and winding his fingers with tranquility through Dan’s curls. Laying there contentedly with the soft dandelions softly tickling their skin was all the two boys needed at that moment. Dan let the moment go on for much longer than he should have before he twisted around to peer up at Phil.

“I need to get going. My parents will be wondering where I am.” Dan murmured.

“Do you really need to?” Phil asked. “I was just beginning to fall asleep, and I quite like your company.”

“I do, unfortunately. But meet me here tomorrow? 10am?”

“That’s really early for me, but I’ll do it for you.”

“Aww, I’m flattered, Phil.” Dan giggled, widening his eyes.

Phil grinned, giving Dan a quick peck on the lips before unwrapping his arms from Dan and standing up. “You best be going then.”

Dan followed suit, standing up as well. “I suppose I should.”

“Goodbye until tomorrow, Strawberry Boy.”

“Goodbye until tomorrow, Cigarette Boy.”


	2. a u g u s t

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this isn't how the song goes, but this verse works better to write it before everything else
> 
>  
> 
> Remember when you taught me fate
> 
> Said it'd all be worth the wait
> 
> Like that night in the back of the cab
> 
> When your fingers walked in my hand
> 
> Next day, nothin' on my phone
> 
> But I can still smell you on my clothes
> 
> Always hoping things would change
> 
> But we went right back to your games

Dan lay in his bed, staring up at his ceiling, pained expression on his face. He had always told himself that he would never cry over a girl, or a boy, for that matter. Yet here he was, hot, salty tears flowing freely down his cheeks. 

He didn’t know what had happened. They were so happy, just two lovers enjoying each other’s company and exploring each other’s mouths. They had gone on innocent dates filled with blushes and coffee and gentle touches. There had been memorable moments: the time Phil asked Dan to be his boyfriend, the time they went to the fair on the pier and the whole night was the epitome of a cliche, the time Phil snuck into Dan’s room and they cuddled together in his bed until falling asleep to the cool summer breeze and the crickets chirping. 

He doesn’t know what it is about Phil, but this boy always manages to destroy his sense of reason and turn his brain and heart to a pile of Phil-shaped goo. Just a week ago, Dan had done something he never thought he would do so early into a relationship. He knows he will never forget it for as long as he lives. 

They had gone on an actual dinner date that night; Phil had taken Dan out to a fancy restaurant. His car had broken down, so they had to employ a taxi, but their driver didn’t seem to mind the stolen kisses in the back of his cab. Phil told the taxi driver the address to his house, and as Dan realized just how far away Phil’s house was, he complained about this to him. However, Phil had simply laced his fingers through Dan’s and leaned over, with his lips faintly pressed to Dan’s ear, whispering that it would all be worth the wait. The rest of the night had gone by in a hazy blur. 

Going into Phil’s house, void of parents. Clammy hands clutching at one another as they stumbled, giggling, down the hall to his room. Phil’s hands pressing him forcefully into the wall before knocking their lips together in a heated kiss. Falling onto the bed with a thump. More giggles and blushes. Opening and closing of a bedside drawer. Clothes being presented to the floor in a haste. Tangles of lanky limbs. Sweaty skin being pressed to sweaty skin. Damp fringes dangling over sore lips and entranced, love-stricken eyes. Freckles being traced and dimples being poked. Compliments of beauty being exchanged. 

It doesn’t get any less amazing the more Dan thinks about it. Phil doesn’t become any less beautiful. But now that he looks back at it, Dan realizes they never said their ‘I Love You’s. He should have noticed it then. Beforehand, preferably. Saved him the heartbreak. 

The night itself had been everything that Dan could have imagined and more. The problem came in the day after. Ever since the day they had met, they had been seeing each other every day. If they couldn’t meet for some reason, they would text each other constantly throughout the day. Dan had woken up that day, expecting to see a ‘good morning’ text from Phil, like usual. However, there was no new texts. Dan figured he had just slept in, and texted him a good morning instead. As the time neared 3pm, Dan started to get worried. What if something had happened to him? He didn’t even allow the possibility that Phil could be avoiding him to enter his mind. Surely he had loved it just as much as Dan? So Dan had sent a slew of texts to Phil, asking if he was okay and if he wanted to hang out again today. Just as Dan was about to go over to Phil’s house to check on him, he got a text back simply saying ‘sick & w/ fam, cant hang today’. Dan had fully believed him until scrolling through Instagram and happening upon a picture that had just been posted. A completely healthy looking Phil, standing with his arm around the waist of a petite girl, both laughing at something one of them had said. As if that wasn’t bad enough, the comment read, “with the love of my life! <3”

It hit Dan in phases. The first phase was shock; he had no idea how to react. He simply stared at the picture, speechless and emotionless, completely still. The second phase was denial; he began talking to himself and trying to convince himself that there was no way Phil would do this to him. Phil wouldn’t cheat on Dan. Surely he loved him? They were dating and they had sex and they seemed perfect. The third phase came a while later, as he was taking a shower. He was shampooing his hair, when it suddenly hit him that Phil had lied to him and cheated on him. Dan suddenly burst into gut-wrenching sobs, clenching his hands into fists and collapsing to the ground, where he sat as the scalding hot water raining down on him. 

The third phase lasted the longest. It’s still going, actually. This phase is what caused Dan to lie on his bed to contemplate this and cry in the first place. Dan was now verging on the fourth phase of numbness, but every time he would truly think about it, he would break down. He rolled over to his side, reaching his arm down to the floor to grab something he hated, but also needed at this moment. Dan’s hoodie, that had once been bright blue but was now faded to a dull hue. He had let Phil borrow it for a couple of nights that it had gotten chilly, and Phil had given it back with a grin, telling Dan that whenever he felt lonely he could curl up with it and it would probably smell like him. And smell like him it did. Dan held it up to his nose, deeply inhaling the scent of cigarettes and sun and the fruity smelling shampoo Phil always used, before clutching it to his chest and letting a tear drip onto the hood. 

Dan knew he shouldn’t feel like this, desperate and still wanting Phil after all he had done. Dan knew if Phil were to reach out to him and want him to come back, he would in an instant. It would hurt like hell if Phil were to keep lying to him and cheating on him, but if it meant having Phil and being able to simply be around him and kiss this beautiful boy, he would do it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> don't worry, i promise a happy ending :)


	3. a u g u s t

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Long nights, daydreams
> 
> Sugar and smoke rings, I've been a fool
> 
> But strawberries and cigarettes always taste like you
> 
> Headlights, on me
> 
> Racing to 60, I've been a fool
> 
> But strawberries and cigarettes always taste like
> 
> Blue eyes, black jeans
> 
> Lighters and candy, I've been a fool
> 
> But strawberries and cigarettes always taste like you

It’s been two weeks, and Dan was still stuck on Phil. He knew now what everyone meant when they said falling in love was millions of times easier than falling out of love. Dan was just glad it was summer and there was no school, because he had been getting almost no sleep. Last night, he couldn’t fall asleep until around 5am, due to his thinking of Phil and the memories. 

 

Last night, he had thought about the time they had gone roller skating. Phil had driven them 35 minutes out of town to get to the nearest roller skating rink that had air conditioning. He hadn’t told Dan where they were going, just that it would be fun and he should wear white clothes, which had admittedly confused Dan. They had jammed to Panic! and Muse on the way there, even though they were both horribly off-key. 

 

Phil had insisted that he pay for both of their tickets and skates, but Dan only allowed this after he promised to buy a bunch of snacks for them. Surprisingly, there hadn’t been a lot of people, only two other couples and a family with three little kids who were much more interested in the arcade games. Dan hadn’t skated in a while, but he managed to stay on his feet. Phil, however, was an absolute klutzy mess. He would take about two steps before letting out a shriek and clinging to Dan. Dan still remembers his desperate yet careful hands clutching his arm and waist, as Phil wanted to stay up but also not hurt Dan. Once Phil had finally gotten the hang of it, he swung their gently clasped hands while skating around and humming to the 80s music that was playing. 

 

After some time, the lights got shut off and black lights came on, illuminating the boys’ white shirts and skates. Dan remembers them grinning at one another, teeth glimmering like stars before leaning in for a kiss. In hindsight, that wasn’t the best thing to do, as their skates ended up getting tangled and they flopped over, a love-stricken pair wishing for the day to never end. They had gotten up after that, stumbling their way to a table where they sat down and began to eat hot pretzels and Laffy Taffy’s, tasting the salt and fruitiness on each other’s lips. 

 

That had been a fun time. Dan was used to recalling the memories late at night, but they would also happen consistently throughout the day. He would be sat there on his beanbag, playing Mario Kart, when he would suddenly zone out and begin thinking of Phil again.

 

This time, it was about the movie date at Phil’s house. They had gone over after spending the day out in their woods, and just wanted to relax. Dan had picked out the first Star Wars, and they were about to start watching it when Phil had gasped and asked Dan if he wanted a surprise. Of course, Dan had said yes, and watched as Phil had bolted off to the kitchen. 

 

After many crashes and 10 minutes later, Phil came out with an ecstatic grin and carrying a large bowl filled to the brim with ice cream and toppings. Phil had excitedly started to explain all of the different ingredients he had put in it to make it the most amazing ice cream sundae. Dan had just stared at him before giggling and placing his hands delicately on Phil’s cheeks and pressing a kiss to still his animated lips. They never did finish that sundae. 

 

Dan had had enough of his moping, and decided to do something to get his thoughts down on paper. He didn’t know if he would actually send it, but he just wanted to write to Phil. 

  
  


\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

  
  


Dear Phil,

 

~~ I still love you. I shouldn’t, but I do. And I hate myself for it. ~~ You cheated on me and lied to me, but I can’t seem to forget how lovely you were. I thought you loved me  ~~ too ~~ ? Unless I was just stupid, and you didn’t, not really.

 

I cut all ties with you, and I’m not sure if that helped or not. I blocked your number, avoid going outside (specifically to  ~~ our ~~ the woods), and told my parents that if you come to send you away with some excuse. I’m sorry? But also not.

 

So many things remind me of you. Everything I see has some connotation to you, and it’s almost as if the universe wants me to suffer. 

 

The worst things though are sugar and smoke rings. The first time we met, I was eating strawberries and sugar and you were smoking cigarettes and making smoke rings. Avoiding the smoke is fairly easy, but the sugar is impossible. Everywhere I go, the stench of the sweetness overwhelms me and makes me feel ill. I’ve been such a fool. 

 

I ate strawberries once since I cut ties with you. All I could think about was you. Fringes and sunshine and smoke filled my mind and suffocated me. I was going to smoke. I found some cigarettes in my closet, probably from you. I stuck one in my mouth, but before I could even light it, I tasted you. I felt like we had just kissed and your taste was still present in my mouth. I saw blue eyes and black jeans. How could you have done this to me in only a month and a half?

 

~~ All of my love, ~~

Dan

  
  


\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

  
  


After spending the past two weeks in his room, his parents were looking for any excuse to get him out of the house. When one of Dan’s friends came around to ask if Dan wanted to go to a party at his house that night, his parents hastily agreed. Dan didn’t want to go, he would much rather wallow in his room and play video games all night than go to some stupid party with cheap alcohol. However, his parents ushered him out of the house and he walked to the party.

 

Loud bass in the music thumped throughout the walls and Dan could practically smell the drunk horny teenage boys roaming for the scantily clad dancing girls. He doesn’t normally drink, but he hasn’t been normal these past couple of weeks, and he was too sober to deal with everyone. He downed one, two, eventually three cups filled to the brim with lukewarm beer, and washed them down with two shots of tequila. Unsurprisingly, in no time Dan was heavily intoxicated. 

 

He began stumbling around the halls, looking for the bathroom when he smelled the familiar smell of smoke. He followed his nose to a man leaning against the wall, taking a drag of his cigarette. Had he been more sober, he would have realized this was not his ex-boyfriend, but in fact a stranger. Drunk Dan didn’t realize this, only noticing the blue eyes, black hair, and black jeans. Dan shoved him against the wall, slamming his lips into the other boy’s, who froze for a moment before relaxing under Dan’s rough grasp. They heavily made out for a couple of minutes before the boy came to his senses, gently pushing Dan away. 

 

“Don’t get me wrong, stranger, you’re hot and all, but who are you? I think you should wait until you’re a little more sober to be going around snogging random people, yeah?”

 

“D’ya not like meh?”

 

“It’s not that, I just don’t want you to do anything you’d regret.”

 

“Oh, g’bye then.” Dan pouted before stumbling back down the hallway. 

 

He eventually made his way out the door and stood in the driveway for a few moments before remembering how to get back to his house. Dan began a slow descent back to his house, walking down the middle of the road. 

 

Suddenly, as Dan was rounding a corner, he was blinded with two bright lights. It took him a little bit to realize what was happening, but when he heard the squeal of tires and smelled burnt rubber, he began panicking. Dan collapsed into a ball, dropping to the asphalt and tucking his legs into his chest. He heard it coming closer and closer until he felt scalding hot air blowing down on his body, presumably from the car. It suddenly sunk into Dan’s head that he had almost gotten hit, and he burst into gut-wrenching sobs. He fuzzily registered the slamming of a car door and feet thudding across the pavement. 

 

“Oh my God, oh my God, are you okay? I didn’t see you, and suddenly you were there. You’re not hurt are you? I don’t see any blood, but oh God, are you okay?”

 

Dan felt himself being flipped over and opened his eyes to see a familiar face hovering above his.

 

“Dan? Oh my God. What’re you…”

 

“Phil?”

 

“Dan, are you okay? I need you to answer me.”

 

“‘M scared, and I’m drunk, and I feel like I’m going to throw up or pass out, oh God I’m so wasted Phil.”

 

“Okay, Dan, you’re not hurt then? Let’s get you home, and out of the road.”

 

Dan suddenly felt himself getting dizzy and stared up at Phil. He watched as Phil’s frightened blue eyes scanned his body before meeting his own. Just before everything went black, Dan heard someone mumble, “I r’lly miss ‘ou, and I still love ‘ou.”

  
  


\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

  
  


Dear Phil,

 

I didn’t mean any of that. I didn’t know what I was saying, I was wasted. I’m sorry for putting you through that and I’m sorry that you had to witness me in that state. Thank you for getting me home safe. Please forget it ever happened.

 

P.S. Other connotations to you: lighters and candy. I discovered that recently. I can’t believe I was such a fool to put up with all of your games.

 

~~I love you~~ ,

Dan

  
  


\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not sure if I'll be able to get another chapter up by Friday, as I've been really stressed and anxious lately, but I'll try my best :)


	4. a u g u s t

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And even if I run away
> 
> And give my heart a holiday
> 
> Still strawberries and cigarettes always taste like you
> 
> You always leave me wanting more
> 
> I can't shake my hunger for
> 
> Strawberries and cigarettes always taste like you
> 
> Yeah, they always taste like you
> 
> You
> 
> Long nights, daydreams
> 
> With that sugar and smoke rings
> 
> Always taste like you

Dan’s parents decided to take him on one last vacation before school started up again for the year. Dan didn’t care, he just wanted to escape his stifling hometown that reminded him of happiness and heartbreak. Take him anywhere, anywhere that’s far away from home. A remote tropical island would do, but unfortunately, they were only taking a 5 hour drive down to a small town in Florida.

 

When they finally arrived, Dan’s legs were aching to stretch. His parents looked at him sympathetically, allowing him to go off and explore the town while they checked into the hotel. Dan put his left earbud in, pressing shuffle on his Spotify playlist. It was a relatively nice night, with a gentle breeze and a watercolour sunset on the horizon. He strolled silently down the sidewalk, window shopping in the multitude of tiny tourist shops.

 

Dan was admiring a yellow beanie in a shop window when he felt a tap on his shoulder. He spun around, tensing with uncertainty before relaxing. A smiling boy stood in front of him, shifting his weight from side to side. All Dan really noticed besides that was the bright blue eyes, looking Dan up and down.

 

“Hey, I’m Brayden.”

 

“I...I’m Dan.”

 

“You new around here?”

 

“Yeah, I’m just here on vacation for a couple of days.”

 

“Well in that case, could I buy you some ice cream? I’d like to get to know you more,” Brayden winked suggestively at Dan, “if you know what I mean.”

 

Dan opened his mouth, about to reject him, when he realized that maybe this could do him good. Maybe he would give his heart a break, its own little holiday so to speak, so he could get his mind off of Phil. “Sure, why not?”

 

Brayden smirked before wrapping his arm loosely around Dan’s waist and leading him down the walk to a cozy looking ice cream shop, decked out with teal and pale pink decorations. They strolled up to the window where a sweaty, bored-looking teen was slouching. Brayden ordered mint chocolate chip, while Dan ordered birthday cake. When they were handed their respective cones, piled high with scoops and sprinkles, they walked behind the shop to a secluded area.

 

They sat in silence, listening to the squawking of seagulls while licking their quickly melting ice cream. Dan had just started chomping at his waffle cone when Brayden looked over, eyes locking into place at Dan’s lips.

 

“You’ve got some ice cream on the corner of your mouth.” Brayden murmured.

 

Dan stared at Brayden’s own lips for a moment before whispering, “Why don’t you help me out then?”

 

Brayden didn’t waste a moment before lunging at Dan, their lips colliding in a sticky jumble, ice cream cones forgotten. Dan noticed that he tasted like toothpaste and chocolate. Dan also noticed that Brayden kissed a lot different than Phil, a lot more heated and aggressive, whereas Phil was gentle and sweet. Brayden kissed like he wanted it to go somewhere, rather than just kiss. Dan blocked these thoughts from his mind as he focused on matching Brayden’s intensity. They continued making out for a few more minutes before Dan felt Brayden’s damp hand slip up the back of his shirt. This snapped Dan out of his fervor and he pulled away from Brayden.

 

“Brayden, we can’t do this here.”

 

“Then what do you say we go back to my house?”

 

Dan forced himself to say okay.

 

Hours later, it was dark. Dan was laying naked in someone’s bed. Someone who was virtually a stranger. Another naked body was lying next to his. They hadn’t done anything irreversible, but only because Brayden was drunk. They had shared a bottle of vodka before going up to Brayden’s bedroom. Dan hadn’t drank very much, only a few sips. Brayden on the other hand, had gotten wasted. They had gotten clothes off, but Brayden was in the middle of biting a bruise onto Dan’s neck when he had passed out. Dan had lain there, trying to catch his breath and his thoughts.

 

He was glad they hadn’t gotten any further. He would have regretted everything. Dan knows now that whatever he does, it can’t make him forget Phil. He still loves him. And this is when Dan realizes he needs to get back to his hotel and write Phil a letter that he will send, along with the others he never sent.

 

Dan crawled out of the bed, throwing on his rumpled clothes and grabbing his phone. He walked out the front door, glad he remembered how to get back to the hotel. He silently walked back, enjoying the silence of the night. His parents were asleep when he got back, as all the lights were off. Dan went into his own room, taking out a piece of paper and a ballpoint pen.

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Dear Phil,

 

I love you. I do. I’m sorry for thinking I could get over you. I want you back.

 

Your kisses always left me wanting more. They were never rushed or expectant, just soft and giving and loving. I can never seem to shake my hunger for them. Guess what? Strawberries and cigarettes still taste like you. I guess they always will.

 

I still find it hard to sleep. And I still have daydreams about you all the time.

 

Remember the time we made a mess of your parent’s kitchen when we baked that one time? That was the first time I had gone to your house, and I thought your parents would hate me. I think it started when I told you I was craving brownies with powdered sugar and you said in your matter-of-fact voice, “Okay, let’s make some then.” You took out your family recipe (was it really, or was that just to impress me?) and we got all of the ingredients out. It started out okay, but then I accidentally flung a spoonful of cocoa powder at you and you retaliated by wiping butter on my cheek. It just got into a full-fledged war after that. Butter and sugar and flour and cracked eggs scattered all over the kitchen and ourselves. I had egg yolk running down the side of my face and butter coating my hair. You had floury handprints everywhere and cocoa powder throughout your hair. We were laughing so hard we couldn’t breathe. You looked so beautiful that day.

 

And the other day, in mid-July when you showed me you could paint. I hadn’t known you were an artist, when suddenly you asked me if you could paint on me. I thought you were joking, and were going to scribble something cheesy on me. But then you told me to wait there, in our woods, and you came back a couple minutes later with a paint palette and brushes, looking like a true art hoe (you know I mean this in the best way, my love). I laid amongst the dandelions and swaying grass, watching your different expressions as you painted my stomach. Admiring your tongue poking out in concentration took my mind off of the way the brushes tickled my skin. It must’ve taken hours, but it felt like only a few minutes. You announced that you were done, and had the proudest look on your face. I had to tilt my head to look so I wouldn’t wrinkle your masterpiece. I was speechless. You had painted the most beautiful galaxy on me. The swirls of dark hues and paler colors making the stars and beauties I thought only the universe could recreate. I started crying from the beauty, and you thought I hated it, as you kept apologizing in a flurry of concerned words. I kissed you then. Not only to shut you up, but also display what my words couldn’t say. I never told you this, but I stared at it all night before taking a picture of it to look back at later. I still have that picture.

 

With that, Phil, just as long as I love you, sugar and smoke rings will always taste like you.

 

I love you,

Dan

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

The next morning, three letters were mailed from a boy named Dan to a person known only as ‘My Love’.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for making you wait! the next (and probably last) chapter will be up later this week :)
> 
> also I'm aware that this is a very American-heavy chapter, oops
> 
> I also realize that dan is v angsty and dramatic but shhh let him mourn his "lost" lover


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> last chapter! I hope you like it and it leaves you with the happy ending you were hoping for (even with the majority of it being dialogue)

Dan and his parents left Florida a couple days later to go back home. Dan knows that by now, his letters have reached Phil. School starts in a week, so as long as Dan can avoid seeing him to dodge the awkwardness that comes from your ex-boyfriend knowing you still love him, he’ll be fine. Dan still wonders what caused Phil to cheat in the first place. Maybe it was all a misunderstanding? He sure hopes so.

 

The only thing Dan does when they get back home is go into his room and take out his favorite picture of him and Phil. After slipping it into his pocket, he lets his parents know that he’ll be at the beach for a couple of hours. He doesn’t go to the beach, of course. He goes to their woods. 

 

Dan isn’t paying attention to where he’s going, as he’s been there so many times he has memorized the path. When Dan looks up to find where to sit in the clearing, he sees a familiar black fringe poking out from the dandelions and freezes. He spins around, preparing to leave without being noticed. However, Dan being the clumsy person he is, trips over a root, succeeding in not only snapping that, but falling on his face into a pile of dirt.

 

“Dan?”

 

All negative thoughts leave Dan’s mind. This is just Phil. “Yes?”

 

“What are you doing here?”

 

“Obviously not training to be a spy.”

 

Dan hears Phil’s giggle, before hearing footsteps come closer. “I thought… I thought you were avoiding me?”

 

“What gave you that idea?”

 

“Dan, please stop. Can you sit up so we can talk?”

 

“Fine.” Dan sits up, seeing Phil’s face for the first time in a month. He looks less carefree, Dan notices, and his eyes are tight but confused.

 

“Dan, why have you been ignoring me for the past month?” Phil suddenly folds in on himself, insecure. “Did I do something? I don’t understand.”

 

“Did you do something?” Dan snorts with disbelief, “I don’t know, Phil. Did you? Because unless you take cheating lightly, I think you did.”

 

Phil’s eyes show genuine shock, “Cheating? Dan, what on earth are you talking about?”

 

“I’m talking about how you said you were sick and I saw a picture of you hanging out with a girl.”

 

“Wait...what? You think...cheating? Dan! You thought I was cheating on you with her?”

 

“Yes, it definitely seems that way, when you lie to me about being sick and I see you parading about with her.”

 

“You buffoon! She’s a fan! We’re not together!”

 

“What do you mean, a ‘fan’?” 

 

“I post videos on YouTube sometimes and apparently she watches them.”

 

“You never told me you did YouTube!”

 

“It never came up in conversation! To be honest, every time I was around you I forgot about everything except for you.”

 

“Cheesy much?”

 

“It’s true. So yes, Dan. She was just a fan, you jealous idiot.”

 

Dan had the decency to flush after this comment. “I’m sorry, it just seemed so...likely, I guess. But what about being sick?”

 

Phil’s features reflected hurt after hearing this. “Do you have so little faith in me? And I was sick. Mental health wise, at least. I was really depressed that day, and my family wanted to get me out of the house to try and help me feel better.”

 

“Why didn’t you come to me then? I would’ve helped you.”

 

“I was scared you wouldn’t want me after seeing me like that.”

 

“Now you’re the one with little faith in me. I don’t care about that, Phil. I love you no matter what.” Dan flushed, staring determinedly at the ground once he realized what he had said.

 

Phil’s hand reached out to gently lift Dan’s chin. Once their eyes met, Phil gave him a small smile.

 

“I’m sorry for making you think I had cheated and lied to you. And I’m sorry I didn’t tell you a few things about me.”

 

“I’m sorrier. I was the one who cut you out when you didn’t even realize why. I’m such an asshole. Can you forgive me?”

 

“I already have, Dan. I love you too, you know.”

 

At that, Dan’s lips curled up into a smile before both of the boys lips met in a loving kiss, their first one in over a month.

 

Phil pulled away, resting his nose against Dan’s. The rays of sunshine highlighted Dan’s freckles and his dimples, and Phil was struck with how lucky he was to call this boy his. 

 

“You still taste like strawberries.”

 

“And you still taste like cigarettes.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well what did you think?? hopefully it wasn't complete trash, but let me know anyway
> 
> I'm working on a couple more fanfics rn but who knows when they'll go up, as they're much longer than I'm used to writing (I also have a really important exam tomorrow, so wish me luck oof)
> 
> also, I am in need of a beta to help improve my writing, so if you're interested, leave me a comment :)

**Author's Note:**

> I promise not all of my fics will be short and song-based
> 
> I'm working on some long fics but I procrastinate and I'm busy with school so ya know


End file.
